Pushed Farther Than I Wanted To Go
Essays From A Chronic Life
Dearest Reader,
The wilderness pushed me farther than I wanted to go last week. Uninvited and without my permission. Life paused without permission.
Can you feel my frustration? Have you, Dearest Reader, experienced the same?
Pushed farther than I wanted to go by an illness of all things.
Last week I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a train. The train conductor, he was kind. He came back and ran me down a second time. Or so it felt.
Living with Chronic Disease, a simple cold gets complicated. An illness will sideline you for days, even weeks.
Frustrated, at the end of my rope, I assessed all the things. Evaluating where you are is part of Chronic Disease. Management is key.
I made the call to my physician, explained my suspicion, and got in the car with my Sweet Man.
Pushed farther into the wilderness with the Shingles.
An uninvited, unwanted guest. My only choice; pause and rest. I knew better than to dig in on this one. I’ve had the Shingles once before and vehemently declared I would recognize them should they afflict me again.
Nodding in affirmation to my doctor’s instructions, we made our way home via the pharmacy. Honestly, I wanted to cry. In this case, I fought the urge.
My plans, my to-do list, even my normal-abnormal felt sabotaged for a skinny minute.
Beyond the skinny minute, I began to feel a sense of freedom. Upon reflection, I realized I had been pushing myself, packing my schedule, bypassing much-needed rest. Truth is I was tired. Weary. Not quite empty, but surely close.
Pushing pause for a week felt restful, decadent even. A full week of pajama days, free of cosmetics, alarms, and blank pages lay before me.
Don’t misunderstand me; I was not happy about feeling worse. Feeling bad every minute of every day gets tiring.
Wears you thin.
However, there is a purpose in the pause.
There are benefits from a pause.
A pause, a reset, brings refining. Refining makes us better and stronger. Pausing renews and refreshes, makes us better for the work God has called us too.
To pause is to rest, and resting restores. Thus, there is a purpose in the pause.
When pushed farther into the wilderness, a pause makes space for refining, renewing, and refreshing.
If you are overwhelmed, frustrated, weary, and worn thin, consider pausing today.
Pausing redefines the wilderness.
I am here to encourage you, equip you, and guide you as you redefine your wilderness. You can comment below or send a private email to tlmashburn@yahoo.com.
Your Wilderness Guide,
You can read previous posts here.
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“There is no space to live well or love well, much less pursue the God who created us to be in fellowship with Him. We close the gap between what we need and what we want with more. Our spinning lives and broken hearts are empty while appearing full. We paste a smile on our face and tell anyone who asks we are okay while inside we are shattering a million different ways.” -Mornings In The Word
I am so sorry for the shingles, Tammy! But I am so thankful God gave you sweet rest in the pausing. I will keep you in my prayers dear friend! May He bring you gentle refreshing.
Thank you, Bettie! It was oddly refreshing and painful at the same time. You think I would have learned this lesson by now! Alas, I’m a work in progress!
XO
How many times can I “like” this post?!?!?! Just finished reading Holy Hustle by Crystal Stine and God has been dealing with me regarding the proper way to work, which includes rest. My fall a few weeks ago was the jarring I needed to help me to see how out of balance my work ethics are. Love you so much and praying much for you, my sister!!! We MUST do coffee soon!!!!
Cece, I’m always amazed by how God orchestrates rest through inconvenient, often painful circumstances. Hope you’re feeling better.
Holy Hustle was a wake-up call for me too!
Love you, Beautiful Lady!
XO
Pause;
A semi-colon because you aren’t finished yet. Just pause;
I love that, Susan!
XO
Shingles can be ghastly to deal with under the next of circumstances. Your reflection on this one word – “pause” – is rich with a reminder that too often I fail to pause as often as I should. I was not designed to steam roller through my days. Unwanted circumstances often enforce the discipline to pause. Rest and let Him further refine and speak to your heart.
I’ve never had shingles, but I’ve heard they’re very painful. On top of chronic illness, I can only imagine how they’d wreak havoc. I can easily feel frustrated when something physical sidelines me–it feels like so much time and energy is wasted. But God never wastes what He brings into our lives. I’m glad you fund some much-needed rest and hope the shingles clears up soon.