“When was the last time you allowed yourself to consider who you are?”
Emily P. Freeman-A Million Little Ways
“I now felt unaccountably joyful having purged the unnecessary emotionally laden fashion baggage. The sense of liberation was profound.”
Anne Kreamer-Going Gray
My life begs for simplicity. I look around me and see the changes we have made. A smaller home, meal planning, creating space for rest. Learning to say my best yes, which sometimes-often times is no. (Thank you Lysa TerKuerst for sharing your wisdom!)
I look for ways to make living with chronic illness easier and safer, while at the same time being fully present in a quieter, less chaotic way.
Living with chronic illness, is much like carrying a backpack on your shoulders. A backpack loaded with heavy stones. It goes everywhere you go, there’s no removing it. The weight is always with you.
I’ve come to realize, we all carry a bag, though the stones may look different in your backpack. Either way, they are sharp, gouging painfully in tender places. Soul piercing, painful, and heavy.
It’s a work in progress, transforming, learning new ways to ease the weight. Perhaps, shift it around a bit, simplifying-minimizing the hardships I carry. The hardships you carry.
One stone had been troubling me for well over a year. Deep in my soul, I knew I could ease the weight if only I could choose to let go of this one thing.
I didn’t know for sure. What I did know, it had become the thing.
Gazing into the mirror, I had become obsessed with it, weighing the pros and cons. Measuring my worth, with and without it. Measuring my identity. This had become the heaviest rock in my bag. I sensed an ease would come with letting it go.
I had been coloring my hair since the age of eighteen. Thirty. Nine. Years. The longing to be free from this was overwhelming.
I began to say it out loud, first to myself and soon to My Sweet Man. I went to the most authentic woman I know, a safe place to voice my thoughts and fears, and shared my idea.
Making the decision, I unzipped the back pack, took out the stone, easing the weight on my back. Making one radical change-simplifying my life.
The collective gasp was loud.
It wasn’t an easy decision. Somehow my identity had become frozen in place, smothering the aging process. Begging me to question who I really was. Who I am. Would I look old? Would I look my age, my real authentic self? Who is she anyway? Somewhere in the process of the processing, I had lost me.
The transition itself took on a life of its own. I have worn my hair short for sometime, thus, making the process a bit easier. Each trim took my hair shorter, bringing it closer to the actual gray.
Nine weeks later, taking the plunge, my stylist clipped my hair down to the gray.
Relief took me by surprise. I expected to simplify my life. However, I was surprised to find comfort in my own skin. Standing taller, lighter, and very much looking my age. I walked out the door radically changed. Free and liberated.
My first days of passing by the mirror prompted the question, “Who is this girl?” It wasn’t long before I realized how much I truly liked her.
In her book Going Gray, Ann Kreamer poses this question:
“What is the big deal about looking my age?”
What is the big deal? When did we become so lost in our identities we felt the pressure to freeze time? Is seeking the proverbial fountain of youth worth so much effort? I suspect this debate will go way beyond my years on this earth. I will tell you I have met some resistance and I have been complimented. Either way, this is who I am. This is who I will remain.
My true identity does not come from a hair color, my illness, or how I look on the outside. My identity lies in my heart. The depth of my soul.
My identity is in Jesus.
“The idea underlying artificial hair color is that gray on a woman-but not a man, mostly, not yet-is a flaw, a blemish, an embarrassment to be hidden, a problem to be fixed. To me, coloring gray hair is like painting over the brick or stone or cedar shingles on a nice old house-it’s not necessarily awful, but part of the beautiful essence of the real thing is how it looks as it ages.”
Ann Kreamer-Going Gray
I’m blessed to serve you in this place, to share with you the Gifts of Grace as I journey through the wilderness. I picture you across the table, hands wrapped tightly around your cup, sharing life, and laughter, and tears. As I share with you my own daily struggles, I long to hear what yours may be. Sharing the realness of life. You can do that by commenting below or reaching out to me here.
You are welcomed here! If you enjoyed this post sign up here and receive new posts directly in your inbox.
Gifts of Grace

WHEN is the big reveal coming out of the shadows?
Revealed! 🙂 However, I’m waiting for a photographer friend of ours to take some new pictures for my blog.
XO
Tammy
Love this post! So glad you get to feel the freedom it brings! As women, we feel pressure to “be” something for everyone. In truth, all we need to “be” are our authentic selves. Sending much love.
Truth! Thank you for stopping by!
XO
Tammy
Good for you, beautiful! Thank you for sharing so lovingly.
I made the same decision last October. I kept hearing in my heart “am I conforming to the ways of the world or the Lord?” Why did I care more about how the world saw my outside when my Creator knows me intimately inside and out?
The decision was made easier when I also recognized that toxic chemicals are the antithesis of what my health requires and myself as a vegan represents! sheesh – why did I wait so long?
We are daughters of the Most High God and He has made us beautiful inside and out! My newly mostly silver has not caused any major waves in the world and, truthfully, no one has actually said anything negative! I’m glad I listened and obeyed that still small voice!
Thank you Jennifer for stopping by and sharing your great thoughts! Yes, the chemicals were an issue for me as well, and there was real irritation after each coloring, plus it exacerbated my eczema.
The book by Ann Kreamer-Going Gray, talked a lot about how we freeze ourselves in time with all the de-aging products, when in truth, it’s unnatural to not age! I highly recommend her book. I was also shocked at the inside of the coloring industry, how and why they got started. Definitely some good food for thought!
With my illness, when I would look in the mirror, it seemed the one thing that weighed me down was my hair. Add in the fact I no longer am allowed to drive made scheduling appointments hard.
XO
Tammy
I love it that you are going simpler to your natural color! I have been trying to make changes that simplify my life in the chronic illness journey also. Not always easy, but you’re right–there is a real freedom when we let go of things that do not belong to our truest selves. I’m so thankful that Jesus reveals Himself to us, and in the process He shows us more about our own hearts too!
Amen Bettie! He’s been working this through my heart for over a year. As I was approaching my 57th birthday, it felt like the right time. I wish I had done it sooner!
XO
Tammy
When I turned 40 (last year) I got my first highlight job to help the gray strands blend in better. Technically not coloring the gray, but I was so excited for the highlights since I’d waited SO long . Most people I know start coloring so young! Goodness, even if I’d wanted to color my hair sooner, I wouldn’t have been able to afford it. I am thankful my sister-in-law is a hairdresser – the discount helps for sure! I’m definitely not ready to go gray, but I really enjoyed reading your journey to let go and go gray, making life simpler. 🙂
P.S. thanks for linking up with us at Literacy Musing Mondays!
Hey Brandi!
I did add up how much I had spent over the years…WOW!!
Thanks for stopping by and hosting Literacy Musing Mondays!
XO
Tammy
I tried to comment earlier but the interwebz ate my comment lol. This post was just what I needed to read! I am struggling to throw off some social norms and expectations, and its so freeing when I finally do! Love your new hair!
I’m with you Melissa, it’s hard to not conform to expectations, sometimes even our own!
XO
Tammy
Love the gray. You are beautiful my friend!
Thank you Sweet Tara!
XO
Tammy
This post brings me joy, Tammy. JOY! So many things entangle us. I applaud your courage to get rid of this stone and experience a measure more of freedom in the simple.
So true Dianne! I declared I wouldn’t even consider it until I was sixty! BUT GOD!
XO
Tammy
Bravo for you, Tammy. I can’t color my hair because of the price and lung disease. Those fumes cause havoc in my airways. But even if I could, I don’t think I would. I’ve always been a believer of just letting our colors come out naturally. Seeing my teenage nieces color their beautiful blond hair to black, it makes me kind of sad. But that’s the rave, I guess. It’s oh so true that our identity is not in our illness, hair color, or how we look, but it’s in Christ. Thank you for sharing so openly. Love and hugs to you!
Liked this advice. Maybe i should give this a try. Will have to do some thinking.
Love all,
Mom
AMEN, friend! Thank you for being courageous enough to snip down to the real you; and for sharing what you’ve discovered in the process. Much truth written here.
Thank you Cheryle!
XO
Tammy
Planning to let the gray come as well. Can’t really afford the upkeep. And your thoughts are right too. It’s really just a lot of extra work. Embrace the inevitable! 🙂
Mandy, I think of it as simplifying your life! We’ll claim that, embrace it and move on!
Thank you for stopping by!
XO
Tammy
As I’ve gotten older (I’m 54 now), this issue of looking my age has come more into play. Our culture is so youth-oriented, but there are lots of pluses about being older! Love this truth: “My identity lies in my heart. The depth of my soul. My identity is in Jesus.” Amen. Thanks for the encouragement, Tammy.
Amen Lisa! Society has so skewed our priorities!
Thank you for stopping by!
How wonderful! Can’t wait to see more than a shadow 🙂 I recently lightened my load. No sign of gray yet, but my neck hasn’t seen much daylight since I was 12. I feel FREE! It’s so easy and more me than I’ve had in ages.
Christy, it is freeing, isn’t it? Soon. -smile_
We’re waiting to get pictures taken!
XO
Tammy
Just now finding this post, but I too decided to embrace the gray last year. March of 2017 was my last color and since I had to find a new stylist, I decided it was time to just be done with all the upkeep. I wear my hair longer and for some reason it grows slower these days, so a year and a half later I’m still dealing with some multi-color hair, but it’s blending better. My old stylist went back to work and now I have a much better haircut again so that helps. I was tired of all the money invested and mostly the chemicals. I always had a few days after coloring that I didn’t breath as well and since lung involvement is one of the complications of my autoimmune disease I felt that putting my health first was the better option. My husband has grayed slower than me, so I think that was one of the reasons I waited longer than I would have. I didn’t want to look older than him (such vanity), or my MIL for that matter – she still colors her hair, but I decided it didn’t matter anymore. I’m working on simplifying my life as much as possible and learning to say no. It is a process, but necessary when living with chronic illness. Thanks for sharing your brave!
Thank you for sharing your story, Teresa! It is so freeing, isn’t it?
XO