“Affliction awakens us to things we might not have seen otherwise.”
Russ Ramsey from Struck
“Knowing that I come to this season having seen the world only through the eyes of the well, I ask God to help me see whatever this struggle might reveal.”
Russ Ramsey from Struck
Dear Reader,
Are you walking in affliction today? Perhaps, you have heard the same words I have, “There is no cure.”
Could be the words, “There is no cure?” are pounding fresh in your heart today. Before this moment, you were living your life on the other side of health, waking this morning to the reality of standing on the edge of the wilderness. You may have watched others as they have struggled in their new normals, and today you are confronting your own.
You’ve asked yourself how in this unholy world do you continue moving forward. Your wilderness journey stretches before you. You wonder how you can make it out of bed, let alone put one foot in front of the other.
When we last met I shared my struggle to answer the million dollar question, “How are you doing?”
I look into their eyes, I’m prone to wonder do you really want to know?
How am I really doing?
I am in my fourth year of this disease, and can I tell you four years ago I couldn’t imagine how I could live, or even if I would? I was quickly fading away, without any resemblance of the woman I once was. Every area of my life needed assistance. Dignity, lost. Dependence replacing independence. My quality of life, twenty percent on the good days. And those were few.
Today, my quality life ranges from sixty to seventy percent, though given the right or wrong circumstances, it can and will quickly deteriorate. My days are hard.
I cannot escape the reality of what is.
In the best of the best moments within my day, the symptoms are always with me. There. Is. No. Cure. Whether twenty percent or seventy percent, this is hard. I have reached a place where I no longer recall what it’s like to feel good. The sleepless nights, the need for my Sweet Man to help me out of bed. Relentless nausea, vertigo, and ringing ears. There is nothing normal here.
I no longer live a life relentlessly running on a hamster wheel. I embrace the quiet and stillness, finding a peace that passes all understanding. Dancing a new rhythm.
I’m reminded of the words of James;
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing” James 1:2-4 (NLT)
Once a runner, endurance is something I can embrace. No, it doesn’t make it any easier.
Living a life of endurance in the unholy hard is better than folding up. I am asking God to meet me in this place. To help me see whatever this struggle may reveal. For grace to live this story well, taking your hand in mine along the way. Sharing our burdens.
“I ask God to help me see whatever this struggle might reveal.”
Russ Ramsey from Struck
There are many things in life, difficult marriages, financial loss, grief, dramatic life changes, a rebellious child, as well as chronic illness, which make life hard and seemingly have no end. You have found community in this place.
“How are you really doing?” I would love to know! You can do that by sharing below in the comments or contacting me personally here.
Connect with more stories of living the unholy hard here.
Purchase your copy of Russ Ramsey’s Struck here:
Gifts of Grace
Knowing you and your daily battle has changed the way I ask that question.
Thank you for that!
XO
Tammy
Thank you for sharing this, Tammy. I have Hashimoto’s, which is an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid, and I have Lymphedema, which is a swelling in my leg and foot. Both are chronic. The symptoms can subside, but they will always be around … And to get to that point, it seems like climbing a mountain without the proper training and supplies—impossible! So, I can relate to this so much. In some ways, I also have forgotten what it feels like to be healthy, to have energy, to not feel so fatigued every day. If this is the cross I am meant to carry, I want to carry it faithfully. I want to thrive even in the midst of this. I don’t want to wait for it to go away … I want to live fully now.
God bless you!
” If this is the cross I am meant to carry, I want to carry it faithfully. I want to thrive even in the midst of this. I don’t want to wait for it to go away … I want to live fully now.” I love those words Sarah! Like you, I want to live this story with grace.
Thank you for sharing! I’m so blessed you stopped by!
XO
Tammy
When I read your words, I always feel that we are traveling the same road. I’ve been on it a little laonger, but we are walking together! Thanks for these beautiful words.
Thank you Mandy! Community is important with chronic illness!
XO
Tammy
When I read “new normals”; those two words echoed through my very core, as if it’d been yelled in a canyon……And, the thing is, is when your life changes, and you’re faced with these “new normals”, it’s not normal at all…….
Some days, some more than others, I really struggle with that loss of “self”, the old me…..the smart, independent, physically fit, fierce and strong and at the height of my career me……I miss the days when my body functioned and I didn’t have to think about it. When you spoke of “dependence”, I thought about how I feel sometimes too…..sometimes, being dependent is the only choice. One I loathe.
I also loved the, “how are you living?”! Because, truth be known, I don’t think they REALLY want to know, really know how I am……It’s funny that we are a culture of people that smile, ask how someone they’re doing with the expectation of a return smile and “I’m fine thanks”…..Truth be known, I’d rather people remember me with a smile and saying “I’m doing good”…….It doesn’t change that sometimes I feel a little irritated that someone would ask “How are you”, especially on a really pain-filled day.
I think for those of us suffering with chronic illness and/or pain, feeling lonely is the hardest. I’m betting that there are a lot of lonely sufferers out there, because hiding our suffering and pain is what we do best, even from those closest to us. Unfortunately, it also isolates us.
I’ve been so blessed to have met some really wonderful people, like you! And, I hope this blog reaches everyone out there!
I LOVE what you said…..”For grace to live this story well”……it’s a good phrase to whisper to oneself; always.
Thank you so much for all that you do!!!
You’re precious Becky! I’m thankful our stories have crossed paths! I agree, isolation is sometimes hard to deal with. As for my former life, I went through a season of grief, Praise God for that gift! I was able to grieve what I lost, heal, and move forward with who am today. And truly, given a choice, I am a much better person today. In that respect, I am thankful for this thing that beckons me closer to God.
XO
Tammy
Dear Tammy,
Yes, I agree with Becky above, Thank you for all you do! Your encouragement and speaking the words that so many of us feel is such a blessing. This: “Living a life of endurance in the unholy hard is better than folding up. I am asking God to meet me in this place. To help me see whatever this struggle may reveal,” is what my heart echos also. Blessings to you!
I am about two years in and am still trying to believe that I’m really ill and it’s not just my imagination and that it’s for life not just temporary. For so many years I fought fatigue and depression and other health issues that I blamed on my hormones or my weight etc. But, even then I still had a general sense that I was fairly healthy and could be really healthy with the right lifestyle changes. Then a few years ago I suffered from double pneumonia that about put me out and the struggle to be well after that was hard. Four years later and I was still struggling to be well and bounce back to my pre -pneumonia state. I felt old and like life was punching me in the gut. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and as my pain and fatigue became worse I was afraid to go to the doctor because I was sure I’d find out I was dying. Finally, my pain became so severe I had to go. After several tests and consultations it was determined that I have a chronic illness (MCTD) that has no cure. If all the right things fall into place I can go into remission, but the fact remains that my body is attacking me.
In some ways it was a relief to find out that there was a reason for my lack of well-being and not just in my head or laziness etc. But, it was also scary to think that at any given time my body could be under attack from within and any number of things can go wrong. I have lived a fine line between acceptance and burying my head in the sand.
I am doing my best to look to Jesus and know that he is my strength and he is in charge of me. I know that in all things he loves me and has a plan for me. I know that he is bigger than my illness and he can keep me and even heal me if it’s his will. I want to respect the illness, but I don’t want it to define me. So, it’s definitely a learning curve, but with medication and giving myself permission to rest when needed I am managing to live with a chronic illness and not panic too often. I am tired of Doctor’s though and am about ready to fire most of them (not really, but how I wish).
Thanks for the reminder to ask God “to help me see whatever this struggle may reveal.” I know he has a plan and I know he loves me and as a good friend pointed out to me I am invincible until God says otherwise.
Thank you Teresa for stopping by and sharing your story. I remember in my early days feeling as if I was loosing my mind and fading away all at the same time. The memory of lying in the MRI machine attempting to say the alphabet attempting to remind myself I wasn’t loosing my memory. Those were some of the hardest days. I’m thankful to be where I am today!
XO
Tammy
My mom suffers from a chronic auto immune disease, and I was diagnosed with one, as well. I was miraculously healed …but my mom still suffers. Trust in God’s plan over our reason is key to surviving pain …even the healing of it.
Happy Thursday!
Megs
Megs, your words, “Trust in God’s plan over our reason is key to surviving pain …even the healing of it.” So. Good. And so true! Thank you for sharing!
XO
Tammy
Thank you for sharing your “unholy hard” at Literacy Musing Mondays. I’ve had and have my share of suffering here on this earth. It’s never fun! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the book, When God Weeps by Joni Eareckson Tada. The whole book is about why our sufferings matter to God. It’s so good. 🙂
This is beautiful, Tammy! I love this: “I embrace the quiet and stillness, finding a peace that passes all understanding. Dancing a new rhythm.” Amen, friend! So much Amen!