“There is only today, with holes in our pockets, with time spilling out, we cannot keep it for tomorrow. We cannot mend our seams to hoard, save, carry.”

Erin Loechner from Chasing Slow

It is Friday, my favorite day of the week. Date day, for me and my sweet man, our bi-weekly trip to Trader Joe’s, and the day I join Kate Motaung and others, where we come together and write five minutes, on one word.

Today’s word: CONTROL (gasp)

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Frost lay heavy on the ground, crunching beneath my feet. Honking geese flew over. I juggled the leash, a cup of coffee, my phone. Our furry, short legged friend, frisky in the cold, tugged me along. I exhaled the week, watched the steam release from mouth. Felt the weight leaving my heart.

Somehow any pretense of control escaped me this week. My calendar crowded, the to do list long. It spilled across the pages, smothering me.

I’ve learned this lesson before. Learned it hard. I cannot can control it all. Life tumbles along, and with it me. I am pushed and prodded, carried by God to do the things He deems important. There are moments and circumstances when I must close the pages, close my laptop, slide them across my desk, and be present.

Present before the Lord. Present with the pressing prayers needed. Present for the one whose life spins in circles, much like mine.

You, who struggle in the doing. You, the go getter and trend setter. You, who gets knocked down, left winded and wounded by life spinning out of control.

I get it. I understand. I see you. Can I tell you to this present day, this control thing, that in all reality I do not have, it is my biggest sin? My stronghold. The shackles binding tight my heart.

It is the thing that sends me crying out these very words:

“How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins!

Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin.” Psalms 19:12-13 (NLT)

I know I will never be free of sin, at least until I am on the other side of this gnarly life and gaze into the face of God. Until then I will beg everyday to be released from the control I am forever grasping for.

Control is never meant to be ours.

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I will whisper this prayer for release:

Oh Jesus, Psalm 93:4 tells us “You are mightier than the violent raging of the seas, mightier than the breakers on the shore.” Father we ask you today, release us from the storms that feel out of control and give us rest in You.

You’ve already told us we do not know what tomorrow, or even the next moment will bring. Whatever the sea of life washes to the shore; these moments, the test results, our health, the wayward child, the marriage gone cold, financial burdens, to do lists, they are yours.

You are in control. For us who struggle in the letting go, may we see it as the weight that is keeping us frozen in fear and uncertainty, and release them to You.

You are the Author of our stories, we give you our hearts, the pages of our days. We will trust in you! Amen.

“Ask a bird how to fly and it might tell you to remove the weight from your wings.”

Erin Loechner from Chasing Slow

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