“It’s not about me; it’s about what He can do with me. My job is simply to pay attention and enjoy the rainbows.”

Choose Joy~Sara Frankl & Mary Carver

Time spreads slowly across my days. The sky is gray, hinting at the coming rain. I turn the page in my day planner. Fan them forward, peeking at the next twenty~nine days. Gazing at the path ahead.

I will turn fifty~six this month. Wasn’t it just yesterday I fretted with thoughts of fifty? Seems so.

I celebrated the new decade by running a half marathon. Those miles, marked clearly in my memory, on my heart. I will never forget them. Feet pounding to the rhythm of the iPod shoved into my ears. The ocean breeze blowing strong. I tucked in behind every folk taller and wider than me to shield myself from the wind. Sustained winds blowing seventeen miles per hour that day.

My man and family greeting me at the finish line. I felt accomplished, empowered, somehow. As if I was pushing against time, winning a tiny hold on the tug of war. Aging;  the process of it, something we bump against in each passing day.

If I have learned anything in the first half of this decade it is this…

Pushing against time with brute force only wears you down. Shreds the soul, tears the body. The slowing of time can only come with learning to slow. To savor. To relish. To live each day and be present in it, regardless of what it may bring. 

As most of you know, I have long since traded in my running shoes for sturdier things to get about.

Having donated most to my former high school’s cross country team. I still occasionally see them crossing the finish line when I am visiting home. Passing them on, a way to keep logging the miles.

As I cross over to the backside of fifty, begin the second half of this decade, I will have a new companion.

My balance poor, the fragile bones, the dailyness of vertigo; I needed a cane.

It has taken months for me to wrap my mind around it. The need of it.  Pride rearing its ugly head and keeping me from acceptance.

After much debating with my sweet man, shaking my head no, each time he showed me one. He gave me grace, space to work through it all.

I sat with it,  working it out. The wilderness path taking the unexpected winding turn. Making for a new need of dependence.

After several close calls, near tumbles, sending my laptop skidding across the way; I yielded. It wasn’t quite that pretty~smile. I can still play a mean game of tug of war in this stubborn heart of mine.

After the sorting, the accepting, I started to browse. Shopping for canes is not so different than shopping for scarves and other pretty accessories. Somewhere along the way, in the softening of me, I had fun. I knew it could not be just any ole cain. It. Must. Be. Cute.

Browsing the wide open space of internet, I finally found it! A cute cane, if ever there was such a thing. Turns out Amazon carries an entire line of them. Charming Canes they’re called. (I have posted the link below)

The hard choosing, turned to joy, as I picked one. Funny thing is, I have decided I will need more than one! Coordinating with other accessories! (picture my man’s raised eyebrows~smile)

With a mixture of cold sweat and acceptance, I opened the box the day it arrived.

Charming cane is a fit description. She’s cute as can be. Dignified, even. I am calling her Sassy.

I am genuinely sorry, I put myself through the hardship of taking so long to yield. You think I would’ve learned that lesson by now.

I have found leaning on my new companion lends a certain strength. Security. Providing balance that wasn’t there before.

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? 

I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. 

Isaiah 43:19~NLT 

My new companion, a reminder. A reminder to lean on The One who will make a pathway through my wilderness.

In the leaning, there is new strength.

It’s not about me. Not about the cane. In Sara Frankl’s words, “it is about what he can do with me.” It’s about finding the rainbows, finding the joy, paying attention to what he is doing, opening to the way he meets me in the wilderness.

Graced by God

Tammy Mashburn