IMG_190131 Days Walking Through Chronic Illness

day sixteen

“Romance is the deepest thing in life, romance is deeper even than reality.”

G.K. Chesterton

I have been married to my man twenty~eight years this past July. Twenty~eight years that have gone by so fast, it seems a blur. And yes, the honeymoon is over.

Traded in for something better.

This season brings a different kind of love. One that is tried and true. I put it on and it fits. It is comfortable. Our love for one another, runs strong and deep and fierce.

“Old love truly is better than new love.” Beth Moore

There is still longing. Longing to get through the day, that we may just sit together. My hand snug in his. My heart, safely tucked away next to him.

He had a simple, everyday surgery just the other day. I was not able to be there. It broke both our hearts. It is not meant to be that way.

We have always stood side by side, back to back, and occasionally, toe to toe.

I love this season we are in. The frailty. The tenderness. The counting of days gone by. Appreciation in the days ahead.

Savoring our time together. Clinging as one.

We are soon to reach another milestone. One not so friendly.

The one I would rather not count.

This coming January, I will be three years diagnosed with P.O.T.S.

Three years of daily grinding through chronic illness.

The honeymoon is over. 

The reality of this, came in like a lion, on the heels of the grieving process.

As the grieving knocked the wind right out of me, this, it sat on my chest. Squeezed till I turned blue. Feeling like I might implode with the reality of it all.

“No magic pill, no cure…this is where you are.” 

The harshness of those words, once again ringing in my ears. The finality of it. The permanence.

It is not supposed to be like this.

“How often has something happened in your life that you realized was necessary? If you hadn’t experienced this or walked through that, you wouldn’t have been ready for the blessings you enjoy now.”

From The Daily Devotional:The Word For You Today, October, 15~2015

I have been in the pit. Pulled from the pit. Taken to the mountaintop. Made the descent.

Survived the first hardest days.

All these places, experiences, had a purpose.

I am here now. In the permanence of chronic illness. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, every day, walking through this.

Grace is here. Here in the permanence, the finality, the squeezing of acceptance.

“So I choose to be better, not bitter. I trust the faithfulness of God more than ever.”

From The Daily Devotional:The Word For You Today, October, 15~2015

I trust the faithfulness of God, to provide, to sustain, to meet me in the hard.

We have built history through intimate relationship. He is with me.

Stalwart walks in step with God; his path blazed by God, he’s happy. If he stumbles, he is not down for long; God has a grip on his hand.

Psalms 36:23~24 The Message 

Stalwart; strong and brave, firm, steadfast, uncompromising.

There will be many days when I will not resemble any of those things. Those are the days when I will tighten my hold on The One who has a grip on my hand.

Romance is deeper than reality and the reality is, I am in love with a faithful God.

A faithful God, who chose me for the privilege of living this story for Him.

In this I am blessed.

Gifts of Grace

Tammy Mashburn