IMG_190131 Days Walking Through Chronic Illness

day fifteen 

“Grief and joy danced together,  as if they have a right to.”

I Will Carry You~Angie Smith

It came out of nowhere. Blindsided me. I was not looking for it. Never expected it.

Took the wind right out of my sails. Slammed the breath out of me.


A deep overwhelming sense of loss, worthy of grief.

The fading days of spring slowly transforming to a sweet southern summer. Birds dancing around the feeders. Bees buzzing around the just blooming flowers. The evening glow coming later and later.

My favorite time of year. The place between open windows, fresh air billowing through, and the dreaded air conditioning.

I found myself at three different doctor’s appointments, for the usual stuff, blubbering and crying like a baby.

I journaled through the days, through the process, trying to make sense of it.

It took a month, maybe two. I was grieving. Depressed, NO. Grieving, YES.

When your life takes an unexpected turn, a permanent turn, goodbyes need to be said, closure must come.

“In a life that had been good, suddenly there was hard.” Kara Tippets~Just Show Up

A body that was once strong, now weak.

Hard in the everyday mundane things. Things, that once came so easy, I had taken for granted. Gone.

Where I was once a part of something, I am now the spectator. The one standing on the sidelines watching. Just at the edge of camaraderie.

I was loosing pieces of myself. I did not recognize this person in the mirror looking back at me.

I once told my husband I was fading away. There was a sadness in his eyes. It was as if he felt it too.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

Letting go, mourning the loss of what was.

A new normal sounds brave and strong and maybe even a bit courageous. When in reality, it is just plain hard. An adjustment.

The loss of independence, freedom, mobility, a way of life.

Loss of familiarity.

Learning to live with this illness the best I possibly can.

With grace. With thankfulness.

In the hard, there is good. There is blessing.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3 ESV

I gave over to my broken heart, nursed it a bit. Grieved for all that was past.

In each piece, the giving over to Him, healing slowly took place.

Healing on the inside.

Transformation. Refining in the yielding, the giving over.

…Weeping may tarry for the night,

but joy comes with the morning.

Psalms 30:5b ESV

It is through the hope of salvation, I can walk through this thing. Peace, from Him, on the inside. Joy. Grace. Provision.

I pray for the one who may not have these things; His Peace, His Joy, His Grace. The one who feels hopeless in chronic illness. Maybe struggling in their relationship, maybe even loosing it, as well.

I pray you will find them. Salvation. Peace. Joy. Grace.

I can tell you, straight from me to you, that is the only way I can walk through this. The only way for you, as well.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. 

Galatians 5:2 NIV

With freedom, my burden is light.

Gifts of Grace

Tammy Mashburn

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