IMG_190131 Days Walking Through Chronic Illness

day thirteen

“I do not feel like I have the courage for this journey, but I have Jesus~and He will provide. He has given me much to be grateful for, and that gratitude, that wonder about His love, will cover us all. And it will carry us~carry us in ways we cannot comprehend.”

Just Show Up

  Kara Tippetts  & Jill Lynn Buteyn

The first autumn had come and gone. The second one breezes through. College football season with my man. Pumpkin scented candles and cinnamon surround. Pumpkins and mums stacked on my new front porch, in our wilderness home.

Christmas comes the second time around here. This time with trees and gifts, Ann Voskamp’s The Greatest Gift.

Celebrating a new year in this place. New community, church family and friends.

Wind blew strong and cold across our little ridge. A light snow, bringing quiet and peace.

Life went on. Mine, a new way.

There was a part of me tucked away that fought a bit of resentment.

I felt hindered, somehow. Blocked, thwarted. Dependent.

If I want to go anywhere, someone had to take me. If I needed to go somewhere, someone had to take me.

It was hard to not feel a bother to those I asked for help.

I am tossing out another disclaimer here: no one, HEAR ME, no one, not one single one of you, made me feel that way.

This is my side of the fence we are sitting on. My bench. This is how I feel.

Pride, it is an ugly thing.

Self pity, when caved in to, selfish and self~centered. 

If I want to go to Target, I need Zippy the scooter. Asking anyone but my man to, pardon the pun, manhandle it, is embarrassing to me.

I feel cumbersome when you invite me out. Needing answers to questions, that may seem trite. How long do you plan to be gone? Will there be a long walk?

I need to be prepared, carrying enough Gatorade, salt tablets, a list of medications, a list of doctors, should you need to call.

I feel the need to explain, I am going to move slow, may have to sit and rest a spell.

I plod. You move at a quick little clip.

“Weakness, slowness, and caution have begun to characterize our movements. We plod. You could call our speed deliberate, because we almost have to deliberate before mounting the next step.”  Luci Shaw~The Adventure of Ascent

Deliberation with each deliberate step. Caution in and with every movement. Frailty, my companion.

Loss of independence is a different way of life. I have never been here before.

“…why are my cells failing me just when I am getting the hang of this glistening life?” Luci Shaw~Adventures of Ascent

There are times I feel ungracious. Life moves forward in the day to day, while I am stuck here, or so it seems.

These, a few of the things I walk through. Daily. Some, it takes intentionality and the Grace of God to lay down.

Even here, the days of giving in to self~pity,  God meets me with His Grace. Gives me courage for this journey. Gratitude in the small victories.

Carries me when I cannot carry myself.

…for the Spirit in you is far stronger than anything in the world. 1John 1:4b

The Message

He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less. John 3:30 NLT

Gifts of Grace

Tammy Mashburn