IMG_190131 Days Walking Through Chronic Illness

day six

“I do not understand the mystery of grace~only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.”

Anne Lamott

I was in a place I never ever expected to be.

I had never been an anxious person until now. I was suffocated by fear, overwhelmed with anxiety.

Wasn’t it just eight months ago, I was running half~marathons on a moments notice. Logging thirty~five to forty~five miles a week? I had run a marathon for goodness sake.

Still, here I was.

Moved from bed to chair, chair to bed.

My husband sitting on the side of the bathtub, holding my arm, as I bathed.

An humbling place to be. Made sharper by my own foolish pride. Pride in the control, I thought I had.

Humility brings yielding. The yielding, the first step. The first tentative reaching out of the heart. To the Anchor. The only Anchor with power to hold me secure. In this, the valley. The shaking ground.

“This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.” Hebrews 6:19 NLT

I sat in my chair. Grabbed hold to The Anchor of my soul. Wrapped up in His arms, like the warm blanket laid upon my lap.

I tested the ground, found the footing, the faith, I would need. Took the first dependent step. The step, that lead the way to the mountaintop.

 Finding provision for me there.

Gifts and blessings to count were falling all around. Not unlike the fall leaves swirling to the ground. The warm sun, shines across my lap.

My community bringing food and meals. Warm banana bread. Gifts, they knew had significant meaning to me.

My Soul Sister, stretched out on my sofa, watching Cedar Cove with me.

There is profound impact when one sits in silence by your side. Just showing up. No invitation nor frantic phone call needed.

I wrote. I listened. I found and read every scripture on fear, on anxiety.

“The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’s feet and will make me to walk~not to stand still in terror, but to walk and make spiritual progress upon my high places of trouble, suffering, or responsibility!” Habakuk 3:19 AMP

I thought I knew God.

The God, who sacrificed his one and only Son, that I might have eternal life. That you might have it too.

The God, who pursued me, as I wallowed in the pit. A pit of my own making, when I chose to turn away after several devastating losses.

But this. This place with Him on the mountaintop. The time I spent with Him. Exhilarating. Breathtaking.

Through my physical brokenness, my near paralyzing fear and anxiety, I found peace. His Peace. The kind of Peace, no matter what is swirling around you, the chaos you may be standing in, the hard path you may be walking; A Peace that comes from within.

“You have to be grateful whenever you get to someplace safe and okay, even if it turns out it wasn’t quite where you were heading.” Anne Lamott~Small Victories

Without the cure, the magic pill, there was a safe place. A safe Harbor to take shelter.

Yes, I had other plans. No, this was not the journey I would have chosen.

When I peeked into the story of my life, I did not see this. Would not have chosen it.

It was, however, the story I was given.

What I can tell you now, emphatically, is this; given the choice between my time on the mountaintop with God or one hundred percent quality of life, I would choose the mountaintop.

Backed into a corner, Grace met me there. It did not leave me there.

From there I was taken on a journey, a journey to a more intimate relationship with The Lover of my soul.

Experienced the Peace that passes all understanding. Experienced God in ways I never had before.

Gifts of Grace

Tammy Mashburn