So I Dance “He is calling me back~back to the essence of faith. And somehow I know the path begins with sitting in the pain of God’s mystery. Sometimes our thorns are not removed.”

Coming Clean~Seth Haines

 It is quiet this morning, save for the soft ticking of the clock. The lights on the trees are twinkling, winking at my soul.

Not ready to give up the quiet and the sparkly dark, I used the flashlight on my phone to read this morning. Savoring the words as they danced off the page into the heart of my struggle.

My sweet man, he tenderly reaches around me, lifts me up. My hands on his arms, We linger there. Me, hanging on, not wanting to let go. I inhale his smell, rest my head on his chest . I think of days gone by when we danced the night away.

This dance, it looks different. Selfless. Sacrificial even. Giving of oneself for the other. It is a gift in the wilderness.

I ponder the words from Coming Clean, “And somehow I know the path begins with sitting in the pain of God’s mystery.”

I sit in the pain. The literal pain. I do not understand why. Why this, why now? To solve the mystery will mean to wait.

So I dance…

I dance in the fringes of my faith. Faith in the mystery. Faith in the unseen. Dance through the hard, searching for the thanks. Clinging to the gifts of provision with greedy heart.

“I am resistant to bending into your mystery, God. There is pain there. Heal it. There is fire. Quench it. There is nonconformity. Conform it. Lead me into reconciliation. Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.” Coming Clean~Seth Haines

My faith, it falls somewhere between the thorns and the bending into the mystery of God.

I dance somewhere between the hard faith and the yielding. The conformity. Some days I feel as if I have gotten closer in the bending.

Other days, I struggle.

The thorn, here to stay. I am still grappling with it all. The frailty, the neediness, makes me feel weak.

Earlier in the morning, a thread of light shines across these words, “patient endurance with godliness,” (excerpt from 2Peter 1:6~NLT). I have been anything but patient in this. A little miffed, angry even. Downright, foot stomping mad, if I were honest. “Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.” 

I take the words as a gentle reminder. A reminder to endure with godliness, patience, thanksgiving. Perseverance, the NIV translation says.

He gives me more…

When the storms of life come…the godly have a lasting foundation. Proverbs 10:25

I pop and groan with every movement. I think of the Valley of Dry Bones in Ezekiel 37, utter the words, “Lord, breathe life into these fragile bones. Strengthen my frame with your mighty power.”

…and as your days, so shall your strength be. Deuteronomy 33:25 ESV

I dance closer towards the fire of faith. Desperately fanning the flames, clinging to His promise of a better day, leaning into Him.

Closer to the mystery of the unknown. Bending, though bending may break me. Your will, not mine, the hardest of words to whisper just beneath my breath.

“To ask for relief from God~this is human. To pray through the pain, to live in it instead of numbing yourself to it, to subjugate your will to the will of God, even in the face of potential suffering~this is what it means to be like Jesus. This is what it means to yield to the mystery.” Coming Clean~Seth Haines

Graced by God

Tammy Mashburn